Deep Feeings

So I wanted to make this dairy all about my feelings and what I have been feeling. As most of you know I recently had a hard time with the whole Adam thing. I tried to move on, but yet Tay gets hurt once more by someone I was trying so hard for showing a side you guys had not seen of me the romantic really soft side. I was waiting to say it in this diaries because it is tearing me up inside that I am getting hurt like this. I am starting to hate men actually hate them. If you wondering where all this is coming from I am about to explain it all to you. Most of you know I have been talking to and hanging out with a guy named Kyle Lambert that I really really was into and spent a lot of time and effort to showing him this. I put all my romance into doing things for him and after buying a bear and doing the romantic dinner a Zacs place with candles and roses with a home cooked meal that was a an amazing time with each other I go to ask him out after he leaves guess what I get in return. I get that I am not ready for a relationship, but I really like you a lot and love being around you. He says he wants to be single and that he should have told me this before but didnt cause he really liked me. I don't how to describe the way I felt when I read those texts from him. It hurt so bad cause out of everyone I have ever talked to and dated thas the first person I did something as big as the dinner for him. I am telling you guys this and as I type this I am hurting and having tears well up in my eyes. I feel stupid for thinking someone would appericate me and things I do. Whats worse is I don't know how to talk to someone in person about how I am feeling inside. I feel like holding it in and not showing it is best and letting it out is weakness and I can't do that right now I need to be strong for myself. Only thing is I really dont know how to anymore. There is so much built up inside of me that I have held in for so long that it's starting to effect me inside. I don't want pity from anyone although I know I will still most likely get it from people. I also know my 6 months here is getting closer to end. I want another 6 months here I need it to help me. I need to be here around people that care for me as much as some of the people do. Zac to he believes in us and wants us to do things that better us in life. He doesn't want us to fail. When the whole Adam thing went down I didn't have to say a word he came up and hugged me. I needed that more than ever and will keep needing that. I hope this show you guys a side of me I don'tt let out ever to anyone not my friends, family, boyfriends no one. So this is it for this week talk to you guys next week.