Deep Feeings

So I wanted to make this dairy all about my feelings and what I have been feeling. As most of you know I recently had a hard time with the whole Adam thing. I tried to move on, but yet Tay gets hurt once more by someone I was trying so hard for showing a side you guys had not seen of me the romantic really soft side. I was waiting to say it in this diaries because it is tearing me up inside that I am getting hurt like this. I am starting to hate men actually hate them. If you wondering where all this is coming from I am about to explain it all to you. Most of you know I have been talking to and hanging out with a guy named Kyle Lambert that I really really was into and spent a lot of time and effort to showing him this. I put all my romance into doing things for him and after buying a bear and doing the romantic dinner a Zacs place with candles and roses with a home cooked meal that was a an amazing time with each other I go to ask him out after he leaves guess what I get in return. I get that I am not ready for a relationship, but I really like you a lot and love being around you. He says he wants to be single and that he should have told me this before but didnt cause he really liked me. I don't how to describe the way I felt when I read those texts from him. It hurt so bad cause out of everyone I have ever talked to and dated thas the first person I did something as big as the dinner for him. I am telling you guys this and as I type this I am hurting and having tears well up in my eyes. I feel stupid for thinking someone would appericate me and things I do. Whats worse is I don't know how to talk to someone in person about how I am feeling inside. I feel like holding it in and not showing it is best and letting it out is weakness and I can't do that right now I need to be strong for myself. Only thing is I really dont know how to anymore. There is so much built up inside of me that I have held in for so long that it's starting to effect me inside. I don't want pity from anyone although I know I will still most likely get it from people. I also know my 6 months here is getting closer to end. I want another 6 months here I need it to help me. I need to be here around people that care for me as much as some of the people do. Zac to he believes in us and wants us to do things that better us in life. He doesn't want us to fail. When the whole Adam thing went down I didn't have to say a word he came up and hugged me. I needed that more than ever and will keep needing that. I hope this show you guys a side of me I don'tt let out ever to anyone not my friends, family, boyfriends no one. So this is it for this week talk to you guys next week.

From GOOD to BAD!!

So this week was mostly great and fun for me until the Saturday when DRAMA hit the sky for me. So let s jump right into everything that's happened to me this week. Well I spent Monday and Tuesday here at the house just relaxing and getting ready to go to Orlando. I have had many guys ask me out on dates so that's exciting for me I guess. Now for the record me and Adam broke up together not a one way street we decided to move on with our lives. So with that being said I had a guy come over that I have known for a while that finally ask me to hangout with him. So he came over we chilled with Vayne and Charlie. We smoked some k2 and then went to bed and watch a little bit of Devil wears prada. Then we finally went to bed. We cuddle and made out nothing hardcore happened. His name is Kyle Lambert or Raven Infiniti. He even looks related to Adam Lambert. The picture is of Kyle btw. So onto other things. I went back to Orlando this week Wednesday and Thursday for my days off. It was 420 so I went there for that. Me, Amy, and Andrea smoked k2 all day and relaxed. Thursday was good as well went to the pool and laid out for a while. came back and just chilled. I did hangout with another guy that wanted to do something. He was cute but not dating material just good friend material. Friday came so I had to rush home for chat and get ready to party cause my friends were coming over. We got liquor and played beer pong got in trouble with the police all in all it was a great night Friday. Now for the Drama. Saturday came and Adam was to guest chat at 7 boy did he surprise us all and hurt me most of all. He had ex cbl Matt with him. You know the one that called all the members nasty old perverts. The one who said nasty things about Adam. He brought HIM of all people into chat. They had sex. The members were mad that i was even in chat but I would have seen or heard it either way. Now I don't care that he is with MAtt or whoever what I am upset is that he doesn't live here anymore at all so he doesn't have to see me or who I am dating fucking etc... He choses to come to CBL. On the other hand I do live here and have to see nad here and constantly be reminded of stuff I dont want to. Now even though we broke up it still hurts that he would do that. He even sent me a email on facebook saying he had to delete me cause he could handle seeing guys hit on me that it hurt to much. So why would he do that to me. I will be fine don't you worry but karma is a bitch and it will get you Adam. So I finish my chat and head out to Ybor with everyone. Me and andrea both get tattoos Andrea wanted to cheer me up so she bought them. LOVE HER. Thats it for this week guys see you next week. please email me if you would like to talk.

I have to move on

So this week brought me sadness more than I thought it would. It also brought me fun and a refreshing mini vacation. So lets get right into what has happen to me this week. As everyone knows and most likely feels the same as I do about it. Adam left Tuesday around noon. It was really hard to watch him leave me, but we both knew it was for the best because he wasn't happy here and we wasn't working out so no reason for him to stay. He said I was the only reason he stayed as long as he had in the first place. So he left and it was really hard I almost cried, but I was strong and pushed on. After Adam left I started getting things together to go to Orlando of a mini three day vacation. So I get everything ready before I headed to get my friend from Clear water to go with me. Yes the friend was my Mattie he came with me. No he wasn't my date and no we didn't do anything besides just sleep in the same bed. We jammed out to Britney's new album Femme Fatale all the way there. Finally get there to my friend Amy's house. Most everyone knows Amy she was the girl that came and got me the first time I left. So we was going to go out but decided to stay in and rest from all the driving. We drank a little bit smoked k2 watched movies and went to bed around 4. Get up the next day do a little shopping at the mall and eating and come back and start getting ready to go to out to Pulse. I dress my best friend up Andrea amy's Daughter. We finally get there start mingling with my friends and dancing we stay til like 2 in the morning then leave go home and have fun. We had so much fun laughing and hanging out. Next day we get up and decide to head to the beach. We go get drinks and food before leaving. Get there tan and just relax. We leave to go home and get ready for Revolution. We have fun I got to see all my friends we leave go home to get rest before I had to come back. I get back after dropping off Mattie. So coming back was so hard to do. As soon as I walked in I felt so sad I knew Adam wasn't going to be here but it was finally real that I would be here without him. I did cry a little bit in chat but thats it. I try to be strong for myself so I can move on. So I did my chat and me Charlie and Vayne went to Ybor to go out. We had loads of fun came back and just chilled. Saturday was relax day for me and thats about it. I will see you guys next week

Time marches on.

Well this diary is going to be filled with bad news as most of you already know what is going on. So lets not beat around the bush. Adam has put his one week notice in to Zac. Yes Adam is leaving today which is Sunday is his last chat. Adam has decided to move on even though we really dont want to break p and leave each other. We both feel that it is best at this point to break up and move on with life and remain friends. Now with that being said let me say this to the gossip column. If me and Adam never dated Adam said he would have left a lot sooner than this. He told me that the only reason he was still here was cause I was his. Now that clears that up. So we talked and figured we really like each other but are just so different in where we want to go in life. So as mature adults me made our decisions and I hope everyone can respect that. Adam leaving will definally be hard for me especially. I plan on this week when he leaves taking a vacation day. I will prob go up to Orlando and chill for a bit. Now on other funny news this week I ran my car in the ditch and had to have Adam get it out for me after a deer ran out in front of me. I know most of you dont believe me but I am telling the truth. So we didn't think we were going to get it out and on top of all that there were two cops siting there watching us. We did finally get it out nothing majorly wrong with her just few bumps and scraches. We also had our group photo shoot that I thought came out fantastic. I hope you guys enjoy them. Well this week will be had for me cause I wantedto go home to see my mom for her birthday and my sister as well one April 16 and the other April 17th. Sadly I can't go not enough money to get there and back. Anyways this week was just a drama filled week and I am glad its over. See you guys next week everyone just know I will miss Adam every much. =(

Wonderful Week.

So this week has been exciting for the most part here at the house. Well first off we will talk about all the fun and things me and Adam did at the Spa and Resort Adam said at for his little mini vacation. So Adam got a 2 night stay at a Spa and resort. It's not a bathouse. A member bought it for him. If you reading this MEMBER THANK YOU. SO I take him to the place and he gets checked in and I leave. I had to do the BoiTalk with Vayne and guest Vayne's now ex boyfriend Josh5. In this weeks BoiTalk we talk to Vayne and Josh5 about all the things they did together and what they were going to do. We also found out what made they attracted to each other. Well as everyone should know by now that they are no longer in a relationship. SO after BoiTalk and pod cast I went and spent 2 hrs with Adam before chat. Had a few drinks and got to see around before leaving. I did chat that night then after Zac let me break curfew to go be with Adam. Well if you didn't know why we was at the Spa it was from a member to Adam to be able to relax and get away. His mom passed away 6 months ago and her birthday was during that time so it was hard for him. So we stayed up drinking and laughing. We went and got in the hot tub for a bit it was great. Well the next day we got up and went out to do things. Well first off we got our couple's Swedish massage which was fabulous. Then we did a little fishing and then came the storm which I loved. Well as the day ended I went home and let Adam relax. I did chat and went to bed was woke up by hell and had to let meow meow in. We and Adam took Bree for a mud ride down back rodes which was really fun. Well now we have Charlie here and so far it has been good. I hope it stays this way.